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StephenEvans	The Opening Ceremonies	Lead	[-]
Posts: 348 (08/14/08 07:38:05) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Tags : None Tinkling wind chimes wake her in the night. The power's out, it's cold. Too tired to fret she fumbles through the nightstand for a light. She's startled by the phone, her friend Annette is coming over, something's up. She hears commotion in the distance, people screaming. Annette goes running by, then reappears and beckons through the window. Am I dreaming? A laughing senior citizen and friend were witnessed looting shoes from burning shops. A cornered officer tried to defend himself against a group of teens. Gun shots rang out. A neighborhood went up in flames. We now return to the Olympic Games. original below She's woken by the wind chimes on her porch. The power's out, it's cold. Too tired to fret she fumbles through the nightstand for a torch. She's startled by the phone, her friend Annette is on the way, there's something up. She hears commotion in the distance, people screaming. Annette goes running by, then reappears and beckons through the window. Is she dreaming? An elder woman and her laughing friend were witnessed looting shoes from burning shops. A cornered officer tried to defend himself against a group of teens. Gun shots rang out. A neighborhood went up in flames. We now return to the Olympic Games. Last Edited By: StephenEvans 09/01/08 14:51:02. Edited 2 times.
Rick Mullin		#1	[-]
Posts: 1097 (08/14/08 14:07:49) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hi Stephen, I have gone over this and over this. I can't get it together. A superimposition of post-disaster urban looting, ala New Orleans, and the Olympics? The sense of it is a problem for me. Some nits--the mention of the torch in line three--at first, I wondered why you used that word. Then I see the Olympic connection and get it to the extent that I get it. "Elder" woiuld mean "elderly" in line nine? I like the two stanzas. They read in an engaging fashion. But something that should happen isn't happening for me in the final line. Disclaimer: It could be me. But I no getz. RM
James Feichthaler		#2	[-]
Posts: 170 (08/14/08 14:10:48) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Stephen -- I would build on the second stanza -- the action's right and it makes the couplet work. James
StephenEvans		#3	[-]
Posts: 349 (08/14/08 16:05:20) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hi Rick, Good feedback, thank you. The idea came to me watching the news. There was a riot in Montreal around the same time as the opening ceremonies. Rioting was reported to be due to racial problems, poverty, and was spurred by a cop shooting a teenager (surrounded by an approaching gang). I read reports of a senior citizen seen running with a stolen stereo, and a man carrying off a slab of meat… Anyway, I wondered how it might come to pass that a senior citizen would find herself looting, so the first stanza is like a cut shot (imagination wandering during a news segment), and it sort of parallels the running of the torch. The second stanza is back to the news. Maybe my reasons and or techniques for connecting the two ideas together aren't strong enough, but with China having its serious problems with mass poverty, Tibetan riots, and then spending 150 million or whatever on the opening ceremonies, I decided to try. For line 9 I've looked at "A senior citizen and laughing friend" but I thought it would be less likely that someone connect the woman to the senior citizen. Or more recently, "A woman followed by her laughing friend" which might be the best choice. I'm not sure. Thanks again! Stephen --------------------- James, Thanks for the idea. I will consider... Stephen
Owl		#4	[-]
Posts: 688 (08/17/08 05:24:49) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	"Wakened" instead of "woken," perhaps? But that won't solve the problem of the verbs in this one. The verbs are dull--at least three of them are in the passive voice (she's woken; she's startled; were witnessed), the others are simply lackluster. Rewrite this, paying particular attention to the verbs, choosing the strongest forms of the most apt verbs you can think of. Perhaps the title should bear some reference to the rioting in Montreal? The idea of juxtaposition of the riots with the events on TV has potential; this poem just isn't there yet. Jim
StephenEvans		#5	[-]
Posts: 352 (08/17/08 20:50:54) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thanks Jim, I will take your advice.
Nigel Holt		#6	[-]
Posts: 294 (08/18/08 02:04:56) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	A good idea but poorly effected. The sestet has no consistent voice - you could make the news announcer the sestet in a talking head to camera, but that's already been done - by me for one! Other things have been pulled up, but I would agree that you need (a) the contextualisation of real or imaginary place and (b) more strength in the wording of the octet. Looking at why old people would loot isn't really the place here - do that in an exposition through a longer poem. Why it's so odd surprises me - War criminals are elderly too. Most seniors are also poor. With work, you could salvage this, but at the risk of treading roads already trod. Cheers N
StephenEvans		#7	[-]
Posts: 355 (08/24/08 14:15:33) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thanks Nigel, I appreciate your view. Good point about about war criminals and poverty. I guess I need to "unpack" some of my assumptions. I've been continuing to work on this one, but it is beginning to lose resemblance to the posted draft. Stephen
R Nemo Hill		#8	[-]
Posts: 193 (08/27/08 11:35:34) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Stephen, I actually think this is more successful than others do. I read it a while back and it stuck in my head, and now I see it has received a less than sterling reception. I don't know: it's a sort of collage technique that I am fond of, and I think that by making the connection too tight you'd lose part of the charm here. I think a simple change in title might work wonders, something along the lines of Channel Surfing to alert readers to allow their mind to just graze the presented surfaces. It seems a fitting meditation on the modern attention span, as well as on the Olympic Hypocrisy that is laid over the rest of the world situation like a coat of shallow paint that anyone can see right through. As for the lackluster verb action, I sort of like that as well: it gives it a flatly journalistic tone and keeps the surface moving quietly by. Nemo Last Edited By: R Nemo Hill 08/27/08 11:38:09. Edited 1 times.
StephenEvans		#9	[-]
Posts: 358 (09/01/08 14:52:48) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thanks Nemo, I must admit I was pretty stoked about this when I first posted it, then gradually deflated. :-) Anyway, I tried on some new titles as you suggested, and made a few changes here and there. Thanks for your input. Stephen
CMBCO		#10	[-]
Posts: 18 (09/05/08 03:23:11) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	The poem has a good central idea, but it is poorly developed. When I got to the word Annette, I groaned... rhyme-driven. Then Annette is mentioned again. That was the nail in the coffin. Best wishes for your revisions.

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