Invitation to a thread of Blomquistian Sonnets

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Susan Eckenrode	Invitation to a thread of Blomquistian Sonnets	Lead	[-]
Posts: 205 (07/28/09 15:30:34) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Tags : None Here's my versification of a joke Mike mentioned in my "Bless their Hearts" thread. Overheard at the Mall Three southern ladies, lunching at the mall food court on Chick-fil-a and sweet iced tea compare designer bags when one says, " Y'all forgive me if I brag a bit, you see, next week my baby girl will graduate from Duke and she's the Valedictorian." The others squeal and gush, "That's really great!" The second chimes, "My boy's all set to run for congress; we're assured that he's a shoo-in." "Of course! That's really great!" they roundly cheer The third one's asked then, "What's your daughter doin'?" "Oh she's just finished charm school where I hear she learned that's really great will make a hit much better than Oh lord, who gives a shit!" Last Edited By: Susan Eckenrode 08/05/09 08:46:02. Edited 4 times.
D G Anthony	Who’s Afraid?	#1	[-]
Posts: 2264 (07/29/09 11:42:15) Administrator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	My sister takes reception class and prides herself on spinning yarns: at five years old the kids when entertained are good as gold, and learn a lot from fairy tales besides. They loved the story of the pig who tries to build a house of straw-the one the bold and wicked wolf will wreck-a tale best told in detail, showing all it signifies. "The pig," she told them, "found a turnip bed made out of straw and asked if he could dig a little up. Guess what the farmer said?" "I know," cried Jude, one hand above her head, and standing (since she wasn't very big): "Well, bugger me-here comes a talking pig!" David
D G Anthony		#2	[-]
Posts: 2265 (07/30/09 10:39:15) Administrator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	(In the early Blomquistian days it was the custom--well, my custom anyway--to include SC regulars as protagonists in our stories. Jude was Judy Peet, a lovely lady and excellent poet, who died untimely a few years ago.) David
Susan Eckenrode	That's a good one, David	#3	[-]
Posts: 206 (08/01/09 08:48:09) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I remember Jude. She was a wonderful teacher and poet. I didn't get to know very her long as her illness took her shortly after I started posting on the internet, but in that short time I learned a lot from her knowledgeable and patient critiquing style. Thank you for this delightful contribution.
Mike Alexander		#4	[-]
Posts: 4486 (08/01/09 13:04:55) Administrator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Three guys just getting to the pearly gate are told that driving in the afterlife depends on being faithful to one's mate, monogamy between a man & wife. David had been the spouse extraordinaire; he drove off in a splendid limousine. Neil had a most-unsavory affair; his SUV's paintjob was pukey green. Alan was saddled with a one-hoss shay. I'll let you guess how he mis-spent his years. So these three tooled around, until one day Alan & Neil discovered Dave in tears: "My wife just came in through the pearly gates," he sobbed, "& got a pair of roller skates!"
D G Anthony		#5	[-]
Posts: 2266 (08/01/09 14:48:17) Administrator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Good one, Mike. Here's another: Situation Vacant My cousins have a strong religious streak- teetotal Bible belters. I don't like those Jesus freaks: the worst one's Pastor Mike. To my surprise I heard from him last week. He wrote, "You've met my helper Pete, I think: I used to take him with me when I went to spread the Word. The man was heaven-sent to demonstrate the ill effects of drink. He'd drool beside me in the Gospel Hall and wet himself, then fall about the stage; or, turning to my flock in drunken rage, he'd stagger forth and vilify them all. He's passed away, the poor pathetic slob: so how about it-would you like the job?" David
Tinkering		#6	[-]
Posts: 281 (08/02/09 02:29:24) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	The highway officer said "Listen, Jim One-fifty miles is loads above the limit, get used to use your feet and,dim-wit: The judge might listen to your sobbing hymn, but I am effing fed up to the brim with fairy-tales, tomorrow I will quit a thirty-years tour, so lets cut the shit and move: or else I`ll drive you on your rim. If, on the other hand yours' is a story I haven`t heard yet, you`ll go free, so quack: Qouth Jim: Well, yesterday my wife (called Lourie) eloped and with an officer named Jack. Seeing your car I felt the nagging worry, that he was chasing me to give her back.
D G Anthony		#7	[-]
Posts: 2267 (08/02/09 14:01:46) Administrator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	I googled "Blomquistian" and was narked to find that some Nigerian git has not only stolen one of my sonnets, but ruined it: http://te-in.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=24246650931&topic=9356 David
yolhanson	The Stoning	#8	[-]
Posts: 1126 (08/03/09 02:30:41) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	(I hope the topic hasn't been done, but...) The Stoning Jerusalem, first century. The mob have gathered all the stones that they could haul, and bigger ones to finish off the job on some poor sinner, cowering at the wall. A man step in and says, "Look what you do- to throw your rocks in vengeance is the worst hypocrisy; if any one of you has never sinned, then you can be the first to cast your stone." The crowd was all in shock until a woman, hidden at the rear, pushed through the crowd in silence, raised her rock and threw it, to a great, resounding cheer. And Jesus spake: "It's not too bad a throw, but Mum, sometimes you really steal the show."
stephenwayne	Don't Smile Too Soon... quoting Twain.	#9	[-]
Posts: 24 (08/03/09 10:32:00) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	One great American humorist said: The art of story telling, is telling; ramble and wind at will - then raise the dead. Sentiment and chivalry always sells, snake-oil science is great beer and circus, blind poets still tell - the tallest of tales. Hang your conscience and free your sanity! Young pessimists, and sad old optimists, all live and die - so laugh at vanity. Eat drink and be merry, today we live; tomorrow the tax man, and minister, remind us - our greatest joy is to give. One great American humorist spoke: Don't smile too soon - and kill your own damn joke. Last Edited By: stephenwayne 08/04/09 15:55:09. Edited 2 times.
D G Anthony		#10	[-]
Posts: 2268 (08/04/09 15:35:18) Administrator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Interesting discussion on plagiarism at Eratosphere: http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/showthread.php?t=8342 David
Celimlodyn		#11	[-]
Posts: 265 (08/04/09 18:51:03) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	The archeologists came out and dug Ivar's old farm up. They got down twenty feet and found a block of sculpted stone. And Ivar bragged in all the bars, "Two hundred years before were highways built of rock!" Yohnsson's field was next. They dug to thirty feet and found a grid of copper wire. "Roads of stones!" scoffed Yonny. "I'll bet you guys dat dis vun can't be beat: t'ree hundred years ago, de Sioux used telephones!" Now Ole hears his friends a-bragging to the sky about the things they've found. He snorts, "Aw, dem's just piddly t'ings." And off he goes to dig up all his rye and sugar beets and corn. It's forty feet and diddly- squat and Ole's eyes light up. "I've vun de bet! Four hundred years ago vass vireless internet!" (sorry your poem got stolen, David.)
stephenwayne	When My Sonnets Can Kill	#12	[-]
Posts: 26 (08/05/09 15:04:07) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Well Dave, just remember that emulation is great flattery. Changing one or two words and trying to lay claim to some one's intellectual property is obvious plagiarism that even the stupidest of jurist could see. Everything you publish on the Internet is date and time sensitive - there is a cyber trail to all your creations published herein. So, if this thief makes some substantial money using your creation (which he obviously thinks has great merit) sue him - and we'll all be your witnesses. People who do such things are killing their own reputation. I started this sonnet intending to "make a joke" but some how it turned serious on me... But, I decided to put it here anyway. When my sonnets can kill atomic waste, perhaps Camp David - or maybe the Hague will call - to celebrate the true sweet taste of victory over ignorant sin. When my sonnets can kill terror and hate, maybe some Machiavellian prince will pin medals on my chest - and dance late in oil built palaces with rich old men. When a rapper in a crack house kills his ho - instantly the clingy media know. Murder and sex seems every bodies biz; like White House boys drinking bathtub gin. When my sonnets can kill what needs killing; I'll write them in hades - if the gods are willing. Last Edited By: stephenwayne 08/05/09 21:05:19. Edited 3 times.
Susan Eckenrode	Running out of Gas	#13	[-]
Posts: 209 (08/06/09 10:31:37) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	She hurries off, neglects to check the gauge, then notices the needle nudging E. Already past the red light warning stage, her car is running on its fumes. Though she will usually respect the local limit, it worries her to think of getting stuck beside the road alone. Her fear's so grim it blinds her to the cruiser---drat the luck, the Texaco's just three miles down the road. "Hey, what's the hurry miss?" the cop inquires. Her pounding heart feels like it might explode, as Officer Delany checks for priors. She volunteers, "I know I drove too fast but only 'cause I'm running out of gas."
kat	A Very Long Week	#14	[-]
Posts: 5 (08/07/09 06:44:44) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	The blond turns to a colleague after work says TGIF in a sprightly tone. He answers SHIT, with a smirk then fumbles in his briefcase for his phone. Undaunted, TGIF! she replies as they approach the elevator door. He holds it open, shakes his head and sighs SHIT! He stares down at the floor. They ride in silence, exit from the car. She can't resist, addresses him again It means: Thank God It's Friday! How bizarre you'd react so rudely to an acronym. C'mon, he says, don't take it the wrong way, it stands for Sorry Honey, It's Thursday. I'm gonna eat your brains & gain your knowledge!
Mike Alexander		#15	[-]
Posts: 4490 (08/07/09 14:38:27) Administrator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	hooray!
D G Anthony		#16	[-]
Posts: 2272 (08/07/09 15:07:28) Administrator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Good one. Should be blonde, though. David
kat		#17	[-]
Posts: 6 (08/07/09 17:34:23) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Hi David, Sorry to hear about the plagiarism. Unfortunately, I go through this at least once a year-teenaged girls apparently feel my poems say everything they cannot.... I understand that blonde & blond correspond to the feminine & masculine forms in French, and that this usage is retained in Britain, but America, since the 1970's, has preferred the gender-neutral blond. I'm a creature of my culture. Some excellent poems in this thread! kat I'm gonna eat your brains & gain your knowledge!
Susan Eckenrode	Lots of good stuff showing up.	#18	[-]
Posts: 214 (08/07/09 19:12:52) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Thanks to all of you for such entertaining examples of the form. One more before I go, versified this afternoon from joke a friend told at the gym. A shy divorcee, sitting at the bar was chatting with her girlfriends after work, when all heads turned at once to watch the star who swaggered by. They twittered, "Look it's Dirk. I can't believe a man can look that good at 50 and I hear he's great in bed!" His blue eyes looked her way and as he stood, she felt as if her brain had left her head. He whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you desire for 20 bucks, but here's the sting-- what you request in just 3 words, I'll do." A momentary blush and that shy mouse flashing him a bill, said, "Clean my house!" Last Edited By: Susan Eckenrode 08/07/09 19:19:05. Edited 1 times.
D G Anthony		#19	[-]
Posts: 2273 (08/21/09 13:12:47) Administrator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	To Die For Aunt Bessie has a talent: when she bakes the flavour drives you wild. My cousins say their father Tim, a regular gourmet, married her for love-of chocolate cakes. Poor Uncle Tim was feeling far from well- in fact, was on his deathbed-when the scent of baking half-revived him. Off he went to find the source of that seductive smell. Each step was painful as he tottered down to taste the treat. At last his feeble hand grasped hungrily. Bess slapped it sharply and dismissed him with an irritated frown: "Clear off to bed and put the buns back too! I made them for the funeral, not for you." David
vfritts		#20	[-]
Posts: 569 (08/28/09 23:26:00) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts	Redhead While dining by himself one night, young Jim is stunned to see a gorgeous babe with red coiffure, alone-and seated next to him; but he is shy, so not a word is said. Then, suddenly, the pretty redhead sneezes: an object rockets towards him in a blur. Reflexively, he grabs the glass prosthesis and most discreetly hands it back to her. "So sorry," says the woman. "I'll just pop it back in place." He orders drinks…they sip champagne…he takes her out… This doesn't stop until they're in a deep relationship. One day, Jim asks: "What made you choose a guy like me?" "Well, you're the one who caught my eye."

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